I cracked a little today.
I really don’t even know what set me off. It was just another Sunday, and I had been doing so well! It has been almost two months since my husband deployed and I hadn't broken down. (Well, other than the move. But that's another story.)
It may have been the videos. Clips of our man cub as a baby. Our vacation to Hawaii. Trips to Moab. They were all from a time where we were blissfully free from the separation that Army life brings. I had never even spent a night away from my husband back then.
It could have been our brief FaceTime call. I loved seeing him. I had felt this sadness lurking throughout the morning, and seeing him—wow. His smile is magic: it transforms my face into a reciprocating grin that can’t seem to disappear until he does. And he was SO happy. He has been working on college courses and working out and staying busy being a hero.
It might have been the constant splash of terrifying headlines and heartbreaking news stories pouring in throughout the week. This world has gone crazy, you guys! There is so much hate out there and so much violence and it just makes me sad!
The sadness slowly crept up on me. And it wouldn’t go away. I put on a brave face. I shrugged it away. But it kept slinking back onto my shoulders.
I’m not one of THOSE Army wives. I’m not strong or resilient or even emotionally stable most of the time! Although I feel I have grown quite a bit since this chapter of our lives began, I still feel inadequate in the “handling separation” department.
It is a hard thing to be cut off from the person you most rely on. It is a lonely thing. And, in my case, a worrisome thing. But there is a secret that I have learned. The secret that has kept me from totally breaking for 52 days so far. (Who’s counting??)
I am never alone.
I am cared for, loved, and adored more than I can even comprehend. There is someone who notices when I get spit up on for the 5th time and when my kid breaks something at grandma’s house and when I cry so hard I can’t breathe.
God is here with me. He sees me. My pain, my flaws, everything.
And he cares.
When my husband is half the world away and can’t talk to me about my day, God listens. When everyone else has other things to do, His prime concern is me. When I feel like I just want to crawl in bed and cry, He comforts me.
It doesn’t make my cracks go away, but it helps to ease the pain.
